


Beach City Daft

by Tyranno



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Crack as youtube-poo-ish as God intended, Gen, Parody, Real-time Fandubs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-29 22:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10146311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyranno/pseuds/Tyranno
Summary: Steven and Connie run into Kevin and challenge that furry bastard to a car race.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've actually written about half a dozen steven universe fanfictions, but this is the one I finally finish and post... This fic is written with the dialogue from Real-Time Fandubs' Beach City episode [ which you can watch here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5aLiqZm9ug). Real-Time Fandubs is a great channel & you should definitely check it out. This was written more as a challenge for myself than anything else :0 It was fun.

Connie wrapped her knuckles on the car’s window.

“Get outta there, Steven, this isn’t a buddy cop movie.” She said. She watched her dark reflection shift like liquid as the car window rolled down and she was eye-to-eye with her best friend. Steven pushed his sunglasses into his hair.

“I think it’s a buddy cop movie,” Steven leaned out of the window, clicking the door open, “C’mon, Connie, will you be my buddy? You play by the rules and I—”

“No, I’m going to be the one who plays by the rules,” Greg said, dropping the sponge back into the bucket. “You guys are more of the loose-cannon types I think. I think that’s true.”

“Well, you’re old,” Connie said, shortly.

Greg huffed, pulling a sticker from his back pocket. “Shut up Connie, I’m going to put this sticker on your mouth,” His arm shifted direction, “No I’m going to put it on my car.” The sticker was bright and read DAD ON BOARD. It covered the ‘USED’ sticker perfectly. “I remember this car, I remember having spaghetti with this car. I remember getting taken away because I may have… had sex with the car.” Greg pulled the door open, sitting in this driver’s seat, “I like Pixar’s cars, it’s my favourite movie,” He put a tape into the tape player, patting it lovingly. “I’m going to do it to this music.”

Steven was about to ask but heard the familiar crunch of a car driving up. The car was sleek, low-riding, and a beautiful canary yellow. Sunlight glittered over its dark windows. The door flew open, and Kevin threw a leg out, a grin blindingly bright.

“Awoo!!” He howled.

“My gosh,” Greg jumped out of the car, “It’s a werewolf.” He snatched up his bucket and raced over, scrubbing at the car’s gleaming wheels. He splashed water over the metal and worked the dirt off.

“Hey!” Kevin yelped, putting his cellphone against his shoulder, “I don’t pay you to scrub those wheels so scrub them hard! You gotta scrub them hard!”

“Hey!” Steven slid between Kevin and his father, face pink with anger, “He doesn’t do that anymore! He likes women now!”

Kevin grumbled, slamming the car door shut. With a snicker he sped off, car rumbling musically. He vanished around the corner, sun slipping over the car’s sleek top.

Greg dropped the sponge back into the bucket. “What’s up with that guy?”

Steven huffed, folding his arms, “There was an episode teaching about consent...”

“Oh, consent, yeah,” Greg said mildly.

“We met him at the dance and he tried to turn us into furries!” Connie snapped, bunching her hands in her pale green dress.

“We didn’t want to be furries!” Steven said hotly, stamping his foot.

“You have every right to be mad,” Greg said, scooping up his bucket and heading back to the car wash.

“He tried to howl at us so we put our foot down,” Connie said, smoothing the wrinkles of her dress quickly and padding after him.

“We said no and no means no,” Steven added, “and that was the moral of the episode.”

“Yeah you’re right,” Greg stopped by the used car, “I’m anti-furry, I’m sorry. I can’t get into it.” He patted the side of the car. “I’m more of a car-y. A… metal-y, if you will.”

Steven and Connie exchanged glances.

 

*

 

It was dark. The beach was blue in the moonlight, the waves black. Sea foam looked ghostly, dissolving away over the cold sand. Tides were a soft whisper like an inhalation and a sigh, a sound they were long familiar with.

Steven shifted on the car’s hard bonnet, “Greg took me to see Transformers too many times. Like 30 times.”

“That’s seven too many,” Connie agreed, watching the white moonlight break apart and touch again on the sea’s surface. “Let’s just call animal control so they can deal with Kevin.”

“Or,” Steven sat up, “We could do a Speed Racer parody.”

Connie sat up as well.

 

*

 

Trees looked dark and bulbous in the night, looming over Steveonnie’s head. They could hardly see the stars. They took a lungful of cold air and pushed through the crowd. Ronaldo stood in front of a glaringly bright stage light.

“This race will be...” He said, stretching an arm out to the crowd, “Dondi Supremo!”

“That sounds like a Pizza,” Stevonnie said, flatly.

“Pizza...” He said, “...is Dondi Supremo!”

“No!” Kevin yelled, throwing his car door open, “He’s spreading misinformation! The pizza’s not Dondi Supremo! I am Dondi Supremo! Greg had sex with me!”

Steveonnie stared at him. “My dad had sex with you? What the fuck?!”

“Yeah that’s right,” Kevin spread a hand over his forehead, leaning back dramatically, “Your dad’s a metal-y AND a furry! He’s a furr-metally!! That’s right everybody, I said you can get on my lap, you can sit on my seat—”

“Kevin just stop talking,” Steveonnie said, scrubbing a hand over their face.

Kevin grinned, “How about we stop this nonsense, get in this car and race yoooo _oooooou_!”

“Stop howling!” Steveonnie snapped, throwing the door to their car open and slamming it behind them.

“1… 2… 3...” Ronaldo raised a flag, “Go!” He dropped it.

The cars jerked into motion, zipping up the steep tarmac. Light blazed outside Steveonnie’s window, the lights of the sleeping city blurring together.

“You know what time it is?” Kevin yelled out of his open window, “Time to race a person who’s dad fucked me!”

“I would’ve liked it better if you made a High School Musical reference!” Steveonnie snarled through gritted teeth.

“I don’t like High School Musical,” Kevin shrugged, turning his gaze back to the road.

“Nobody doesn’t like High School Musical!” Steveonnie snapped, swerving dangerously and overtaking Kevin. The car slipped under them but they stabilised, wind drumming through the open window. “What part of ‘We’re All In This Together’ don’t you understand?!”

“I’m more of a Bop Bop Bop to the Top kind of guy,” Kevin slipped his car between Steveonnie’s and the uneven cliff-side. “Do you know what it’s like, being me?”

“No I don’t know what it’s like being you because I’m not a bag of dicks!” Connie shouted out of their window.

“I am a bag of dicks,” Kevin said, “That’s why I’m so insecure about myself. I hate myself and everyday I look in the mirror and say: Kevin. Why are you such a disappointment to your brother.” Kevin pressed a hand over his face, “I don’t know. It keeps me up at night. Crying.”

“Oh god, Kevin,” Steveonnie said, “I had no idea you had a brother.”

“Are you kidding?! I don’t even have a mirror! I’m just messing with you!” Kevin laughed.

“Then how do you do your hair?” Steveonnie asked.

But Kevin just howled, his voice lilting through the wind, and pressed on the accelerator. His canary-yellow car slipped ahead, tires roaring.

The sky turned black. Stevonnie’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. They could hear the road crumbling just behind her back wheels. It felt like the sky was bending down to crush them. The mountain twisted like a frown.

“Shit… What is happening?” Steveonnie scowled, “I’m not on drugs.. I can’t drink and drive that’s illegal. Oh shit, wait, wait, I can do this. Beat Kevin—”

The pair split apart and the car skidded to a halt. Connie breathed heavily, sweaty hands gripping the wheel. The sky flew upwards, the mountain was just a mountain. She checked behind her, and saw a long tail of tarmac that snaked back around the mountain path.

Connie kicked the door open and padded out.

“Wait, I think you’re high…? Why don’t you put on some pants?” Steven asked.

Connie looked down at her short-shorts, “I don’t have any pants?”

“I have so many! I collect them!!” Steven shouted back.

“I don’t even have any pants,” Connie repeated.

“Maybe Kevin,” Steven started.

“Kevin what?” Connie asked.

“We’re too angry,” Steven said, “We need to win for us, not for Kevin.”

Far below, the Kiki looked up at the mountain. “They need to win for them, not for Kevin.” She agreed.

 

*

 

Kevin saw Steveonnie’s car appear on his tail, headlights flashing. The cool air blasted his hair, and he leaned out of his window. “What would you do for a Klondike bar?” He shouted.

Steveonnie pulled up next to him, wheels spinning wildly. Their ignored him.

“Hey!” Kevin shouted, “What would you do for a Klondike bar? Hey! I’m doing a commercial!”

Steveonnie overtook him, moonlight pooling in the dents of the car’s roof.

“You’re winning,” Kevin said, and flipped a switch cap open, pressing a small button. “But not when I switch into Maximum Overdrive!!” Flames burst from the car’s exhaust and it swerved in front of Steveonnie’s.

 

*

 

Kevin’s car finished a handful of seconds before Steveonnie’s, and he leapt out, flipping his hair into the wind.

“Fuck you Kevin!” Kiki said, shaking a fist at him, “Go eat several dicks!”

“Kevin is a furry!” Ronaldo cupped his hands around his mouth, “Boo!”

Steveonnie stepped out of their car, stretching out a hand to Kevin.

“I’d do this in my normal time!! HA!” Kevin turned to them, frowning. “Are you trying to kiss my hand with your hand or something?”

“It’s called a handshake,” Steveonnie frowned, “Where have you been?”

“What are you?” Kevin asked, glancing them up and down.

“I’m a fusion? No, I’m an experience! I’ve discussed this...”

“Aaah! You’re a—I’m—that’s right... I remember that,” Kevin nodded.

“Yeah, except that… fuck you…” Steveonnie walked backwards to their car, “Peace out… I’m gonna go drive home now.”

“What the…” Kevin watched them get into their car and start the engine. “I was trying to have a normal conversation with you! What the...”

Steveonnie’s car rumbled into life and she backed out onto the road, old metal catching the moonlight in it’s jagged edges. It burst into motion, tearing over the old road.

“You’re obsessed with me! You’re obsessed! You’re gonna kill me in my sleep,” He shook a fist, “Then I’m gonna report you for murder!” He planted his foot on the tarmac and howled.

Steveonnie watched him the car’s rear-view mirror. “I’m going to kill him in his sleep probably.”

 

**_-fin-_ **


End file.
